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Put Your Pants Back On!
By... Kinky Salmon (KnkySalmon@aol.com)
RATING: PG For very mild profanity.
SPOILERS: Nullus, stultus puer!
CATEGORIES: Humor
DISCLAIMER: Not mine... Y'all know who owns Mulder, Scully and the robot that
is Skinner.
SUMMARY: Mulder and Scully's usual girl talk has them discussing Skinner's true
identity.
**Part I: It Finally Stopped Raining**
"Hey, Scully! It finally stopped raining!" Mulder pointed out the window, as
if Scully would look somewhere other than the window to see if the rain had let
up.
"It stopped raining?"
"Yeah, it stopped raining." Mulder was overjoyed that it had stopped raining.
It had been wet and dreary for two weeks now, and tomorrow was supposed to be a
beautiful sunny day. Maybe he could go get in a game of golf... Not that
Mulder played golf. He just really liked racing the golf carts.
"Hey Mulder you're right! It stopped raining!" Scully pressed her face to the
window, then pulled back, leaving a nose print and fog spot from her mouth.
"How about me and you have a picnic tomorrow, Scully?"
"Okay. If I have time, maybe I can treat you to my special blueberry muffins."
Scully turned around and started to sort files.
Mulder started to laugh. "Yeah, Scully. Like you can make blueberry muffins."
Scully twirled around on her heels to face Mulder. Reaching up frantically,
she grabbed the collar of his shirt and pulled him down to her eye level.
She spoke to him then, in a quiet tone with her teeth clenched tightly
together. "You can doubt my ability to catch criminals, stay in a long
relationship or even run in these ridiculously high heels, but don't you ever,
EVER, doubt my ability to bake muffins!"
A soft knocking came from the door. "Hey, Agents!" Mulder and Scully turned
their heads to the door and Scully released Mulder's collar. Skinner leaned
into their office, and, pointing to the window, he continued, "It stopped
raining."
**Part II: Robots**
("People who deny the existence of robots may indeed be robots themselves.")
As Skinner walked away, Mulder flopped onto his desk, sighed and muttered,
"Robots."
"What was that, Mulder?" Scully had stopped paying heed to him and was
currently touching up her nail polish on top of an old case file. Looking over
a Mulder, she hit the bottle of paint with her elbow, the contents seeped onto
Mulder's precious paper. Scully glanced at Mulder. He hadn't noticed, so she
slid the file under the bookshelf in the corner.
"I said, 'Robots.'" Mulder tried to stand up, but found he had sat on his
stapler, and somehow attached his new trousers from TJ-Max, to the table.
(Yeah, that's right, TJ-Max. Armani my ass.) He reached backwards trying to
open his top desk drawer.
"What about robots?"
"Come on, Girlfriend!" Mulder ejaculated, "You didn't know Skinner is a robot?"
He gave up trying to open the desk drawer, and settled with taking off his
pants.
"Skinner is not a robot, Mulder. And for heaven's sake, put your pants back
on!" Scully shielded her eyes from her partner. Whomever said he wore little
speedos under his clothes was wrong, along with whomever guessed about boxers
with aliens on them. Mulder wore ... oh, but you've already guessed it,
haven't you?
Mulder walked around his desk and sat down, "Yes, he is a robot. Okay, well
maybe not a robot ... he might be a messenger from Satan. I haven't decided
yet."
"Mulder..."
"No, hear me out! You've noticed the way Skinner walks ... how he has a slight
digital quiver in his voice. The firm grip of his handshake, even. And he's
gay." Mulder finally found his staple remover and proceeded to remove his pants
from his desk.
"Skinner's gay?"
"Of course he is, all robots are gay."
Scully decided to humor her partner. "Oh, and why's that?"
Mulder rolled his eyes, and gave Scully a look that said, I pity her for being
so naive. "Because there are no female robots."
"What about Rosie the robot from the Jetsons?" Scully countered. Ha, Mulder.
Beat that.
Mulder chuckled, stepping into the legs of his pants. "Rosie is a cartoon,
Scully! You can't compare cartoon robots to real life robots!"
**Part III: Lucifer**
Scully though about it a second. Skinner did have a rather mechanical walk ...
and he had a hell of a handshake. Like that of a robot with a metal claw that
wasn't going to let go, because robots are strong... "Mulder, I think you may
be right."
"Of course I am. But like I said, he may also be the spawn of the devil."
Scully was intrigued now. First their boss was a robot, and now the root of
all evil. She rolled her comfy swivel office chair over to her friend. "Come
on, spill it!"
Mulder leaned into Scully, pulling his pants back up around his waist. "Have
you ever noticed that when we're in the office with Skinner, you can sometimes
see through his ears?"
"See through his ears? You can't see through someone's ears." Scully backed
away from Mulder and tucked her legs up against the chair.
"Ah, but you can see through Skinner's. They glow with a bright red
luminescence that hypnotizes you. See? That's why you can't look directly at
Skinner's ears. If you do, he'll brainwash you and make you reupholster all
the chairs in the FBI conference room."
"Chairs? Now don't you think that's a little outlandish, Mulder?" Scully
grabbed the corner of Mulder's desk and pushed off, twirling herself in
circles.
"Scully, do you think the couch in Skinner's office was covered with that
gorgeous red leather..."
The phone rang, and the agents raced to answer first. "Mememe!" Cried Mulder,
jabbing Scully in the ribs with his elbow. Scully giggled and dived for the
receiver.
Mulder got to it first. "Hello?"
******
"... and that is why you'll need to take swing dancing lessons if you want to
keep your jobs here at the FBI."
Mulder groaned, expecting to hear the same from his partner. Instead, he heard
nothing. Mulder rose to leave, and noticed halfway to the door that Scully
wasn't following him. Instead of trailing him like the puppy he thought she
was, Scully was staring intently at Skinner's mini-blinds. "Scully?"
"You can go, Agent Mulder. I have a few things to discuss further with Agent
Scully." Skinner pointed to the door, and Mulder slowly waddled out.
As Mulder softly closed the door to Skinner's office and gave the AD's
secretary a brief smile, he heard Scully's voice faintly through the solid oak
door. "...all the chairs, sir?"
*********
Feedback and Haikus about Jon Stewart, seriously, can be directed to me at
KnkySalmon@aol.com
__________________________
President of the JSEB
http://members.aol.com/KnkySalmon/JSEB.html
"So what is it like to kiss Jon Stewart?"-- Jon Stewart to Gillian Anderson
about their performance in, "Playing By Heart."
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